God bless those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. Matthew 5:8
A measly four ounces is all Retta was able to gain over the past 5 weeks...a measly.four.ounces.
This means she went from 9 lbs 4oz on the pulmonologist's scale to 9 lbs 8 oz at 5 and 1/2 months. I was already planning the celebration for hitting 10lbs...but instead drove home from the clinic in tears.
This small weight gain really has nothing to do with anything as the cardiologist is still calling the shots and feels Retta looks fine for surgery (late April...still no specific date...Rrrrr). This is nothing but my own personal haste. But if a team of physicians and specialist repetitively tell you that your daughter will need to have surgery before 6 months of life "whenever she hits 11 pounds," and time is falling short; it is hard to not feel defeated. It is hard to not take it personally as if I have failed my child. If we are lucky Retta will be around 10 and 1/2 pounds at time of surgery....if we are lucky.
When Retta doesn't want to eat - there is nothing you can do to force her to eat. I have tried everything when she refuses to finish her bottle - including holding her meds until the end of a feed so she will be more inclined to take a few more sips to wash the icky taste out of her mouth - to taking a syringe full of fortified breast milk and actually squirting a into her mouth bypassing the bottle all together. Retta however is much too smart for these tactics and promptly pushes the milk out with her tongue forcing it to run out the sides of her mouth.
"No, that's not going to work mom!"
(Routine EKG)
And so we are told that this is all to be expected and all just fine. Eight ounces is not going to drastically change the size of Retta's heart. However, it still continues to be our focus and ongoing concern....with.every.bottle. Maybe if this surgery was on another organ in Retta's body I wouldn't be so hard on myself.
When I review what all Retta's heart is having to do to pump oxygenated blood throughout her body...I cut her some slack and I am reminded exactly how hard she is working day in and day out.
Here is a good
review!
The cardiologst explained that the surgery to repair Retta's heart is just as much art as it is science. Every defect is a bit different and there is no telling exactly what he will have to work with until he gets in there. He said the procedure was "as intricate as sewing two wet pieces of toilet paper into a hat."
(...because we all need a hat made out of toilet paper!)
